Allah is addressing the believers and telling them to protect themselves and their families from a hellfire whose fuel will be the stones and the people. Al-Hakim reported that Imam ^Aliyy explained this ayah by saying that it means you should go and acquire the knowledge about the matters of the religion and teach that to your families.
It is mentioned in the hadith that is agreed upon by Muslim and al-Bukhariyy, through the route of Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam said what means: Every child is born with the inclination to worship Allah correctly and then the parents of the children work on them to make them Jews or Christians or Majus.
Know fellow Muslim that raising the children correctly is one of the most important and emphasized matters in al- Islam. The child is a trust in the hands of his parents. His heart is a very dear and precious jewel, which is devoid of any decoration, and the child is likely to become decorated with deferent things. The child is likely to incline towards what he is pushed to be inclined to. If the child is helped to get used to doing the good things, then the he will grow up doing the good things. If he gets used to doing the good things, he will be happy in this world and in the hereafter.
The parents who taught him those good things would share the reward that the child would get also. Similarly, everyone who had a hand in teaching this child and raising him the right way will have a share in that reward. That is because the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam said what means: The one who shows or points to the good thing, is like the one who is doing that good thing. It is also mentioned in the hadith that whoever had two daughters, and raised them well and taught them the good manners, then he will be in al-Jannah (Paradise) because of that.
However, if this child is made accustomed to the evil; if he is neglected and is treated like animals are treated, then he will be among the losers and will be in trouble. Also, the sin would be on the neck of the person who was the guardian of that child.
Protecting the children would be by raising them correctly; by showing them the good manners, and teaching them by warding off the bad company from them. And how many there are those people who are of bad company nowadays?
Among the things that we should take care of in raising the children, is to not let them get accustomed to enjoying a lot of material comfort even if they were permissible. The Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam said what means, Beware of enjoying a lot of material comforts, because enjoying these material comforts is not one of the traits of the good pious Muslims.
Nowadays, it is rare to find people who deliberately avoid enjoying material comforts. This is especially true in this country (the U.S.A.). Many people have never in their life experienced how it is to live without having these material comforts. Some of them never saw a person who voluntarily chose to live without material comforts. Shaykh ^Abdullah Al-Harariyy mentioned that he spent one month with another Shaykh, and Shaykh ^Abdullah was describing the disinterest of this Shaykh for worldly things. He said that for one month, he didn’t see him eating anything except bread and tea. When they heard this, some of our brothers asked Shaykh ^Abdullah, then you must not have been eating anything except bread and tea. Shaykh ^Abdullah was silent when they said this.
The guardian or the parent should not let his child get accustomed to living too comfortably. He should not let them love wearing clothing to show off or that their hearts get attached to loving to get nice clothes or nice cars or nice houses. Their hearts should not be attached to such things. Also, he should not let them get attached to the means of getting these material comforts. The guardian does this so that the child would not waste his lifetime chasing those things, trying to find ways to get them. If you look around you will find a lot of people just doing that; just chasing the means of getting these material comforts. Why is this? It is because they grew up doing those things and learning that this is the thing to do. The child should be protected at an early age from such things.
So the children need to be watched from the beginning. The parent should not let anyone nurse the child or take care of the child except a pious woman who eats halal (permissible) food. This is because the milk which is produced from a woman who eats food which is haram (prohibited) has no barakah (blessing) in it. So if the child grows up nursing from this milk, which was produced from the haram food that the woman was eating, then his flesh would grow from that haram. His attitude would be inclined towards al-haram; towards al-khabith (evil things).
The parent can watch the temperature of the child. If he finds that his child is shy of doing certain things, and he is decent about doing other things, then this is good news for the parent. This tells him that the nature of that child is good. When this is observed coming from the child, it would give good news that when this child becomes pubescent his mind will be “perfect” (the best that can be). When the child has the shyness to do indecent things, then the parent would use this shyness to raise the child.
The first thing that over comes the child when he becomes two or three years of age is the great desire to eat. So the child should be taught how to be polite about asking for food. For example, the parent would teach the child to take the food only with the right hand. This is something important. The Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam saw a man eating with his left hand, so the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam advised him to eat with his right hand. The man said, I cannot do it. Then the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam made a du^a against him saying what it means “may you be unable to do that, nothing prevents him from doing that except arrogance.” And immediately, that man was unable to raise his hand to eat with it. We teach the child to eat with his right hand, because Sayyidah ^Aishah, the wife of the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam used to use his right hand for eating and for at-taharah (purification) and he used to used to use his left hand for al-istinja’ and other things like that. This was related by Abu Dawud.
The child should be taught to say bismillah at the beginning, before eating because the devil eats with the person who left out saying bismillah at the beginning. Teach the child that when he is eating temperature of the child. if s al-khabith (evil things).
as eating, then his flesh would grow from that ha with other people from the same dish of food, he should take from the side that is closest to himself, and he should be taught to chew well and not eat too fast (taking one bite after another without stopping). Teach him not to stain his clothes with his hand, which has food on it. He should use his three fingers (the thumb, index and middle finger) of the right hand and he should be taught not to use five or ten fingers. Sometimes, let him have only bread and water as his meal. This is so that he would not always expect to find meat in the meal that he is getting. If someone gets used to having meat with every meal, then his heart gets attached to it. This desire for the meat may lead him to haram. Sayyiduna ^Umar used to teach the people not to get used to having meat all the time. He saw one of his children wanting to have meat and he asked him, “Do you always buy everything that you desire?”
The parents should make eating a lot to be something ugly in the eyes of the child. The child should be taught that overeating is something ugly. This is done by teaching the child that the one that over eats is like the animals, and also by praising the child who does not eat a lot. Teach him to love not to caring about food (not wanting it), and to be content with a little of it. If the child ate enough to prevent any harm from coming to him, then the parents should not encourage the child to eat more. This is for the benefit of the child himself. There is a hadith which means that the human would not fill any container that is worse than filling his stomach. The Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam said what means: “it is enough for the human to get some small morsel, or bites that would keep his back straight. If a person wants to eat more than that, then he should leave one third of the space for food along with one third for fluid and one third for air.” (Ahmad, at-Tirmidhiyy, an-Nasa’iyy)
Concerning clothing, he should be taught to love white clothes, because the Prophet sallallahu ^ alayhi wa sallam praised clothes which are white also it is related that the Prophet sallallahu ^ alayhi wa sallam wore clothes which were green, and that he wore an ^ imamah (turban) which was black on the day that he conquered Makkah. It is also related that in the battle of Badr, when the angels came down to help the Muslims, they had ^ama’im (turbans, which were orange).
The child needs to be protected from associating with children that are accustomed to living luxuriously and wearing luxurious clothes. Likewise, prevent him from associating with children who pay a lot of attention to these things. Protect him from associating with someone who would encourage him to want those luxurious things.
If the child is neglected at the beginning of his growth, then most of the time he grows up with bad manners; to be a liar, to be envious; to be argumentative; to be noisy; to get involved in things which are not his business. He may grow up to be a person who laughs a lot. Laughing a lot affects the heart- it makes the heart die. To smile at another Muslim is a good thing, and whoever smiles at another Muslim with a good intention, will have the reward from Allah. A lot of people spend their time laughing. This is a waste of time, and it makes the heart die. If the child is neglected, then he would grow up like this. If you look at the kids who are 10,11,12,13, you will find that most often, their situation is like what we have mentioned here. The child grows up with the inclination towards acting indecently. By the will of Allah, if we discipline that child properly, he will be protected from falling into such things.
When the child becomes seven years old, mumayyiz, then let him be occupied with learning the Islamic knowledge. The first thing to teach this child is that Allah is clear of any resemblance to his creation, and other essentials of the belief. He should also be taught the rules of at-taharah and as-salah (prayer), and after that he would be ordered to perform as-salah and as-siyam (fasting). After teaching all of that, he would taught what is haram to put into the body and the sins of the tongue, the hand, the foot, the eye, the heart, and the body. He would be taught to be afraid to fall into these things and that they are dangerous. One should not say what some ignorant people say: “this is only a child and he is not aware of what you are teaching him.” These ignorant people should be told what imam al Ghazaliyy said in ‘Ihya ^Ulumid-Din. After mentioning the issues pertaining to the belief, he said what means: “you should know that what we mentioned from the matters of the belief should be offered to the child at the beginning of his growth. At first he would just memorize them. Then, as he grows, the meanings of these matters would become clear to him bit by bit.”
Then, teach the child al-Qur’an; then about the sayings of the righteous Muslims, and the stories about the things that happened to them. Ibn al- Jawziyy has a book Hifthul-^ ilm in which he lists things that should be memorized. He said that first the child should be taught to memorize some things about the belief, then to memorize the summary about the rules of al fiqh, then to memorize from al-Qur’an. If the child memorizes things early in his life, then it will be easier for him to memories them later on.
Imam ash- Shafi^iyy memorized al-Qur’an at the age of 10. Why? How did he do that? He did that because his mother took care of this matter. His father died when he was small and his mother was the one who took care of this. Similarly, when Imam Malik was seven years old, his mother used to dress him in the outfit of the students of Islamic knowledge, and send him to teachers. Should watch him and follow up of his learning.
Teach the child the stories about the pious Muslims, so that the love for those righteous Muslims would be implanted in his heart. This is a very important thing. If he knows about them, and he loves them, then it will be easier and more natural for the child to follow their example.
After this, when the child does good deeds and shows a good manners, then he should be honored and rewarded for those good deeds and those good manners with something that makes him happy.
If the child makes a mistake once, it should be overlooked. He should not be told, We know about what you did, especially when the child makes a lot of effort to hide it from the family. However, we don’t leave it but we let him know in an indirect way that this deed was a bad deed. If he does it a second time, then scold him and tell him. Don’t ever do that again. He shouldn’t be blamed too often for doing a bad thing, because if he hears that scolding too much it will lessen the affect of those words.
Let the child have awe in his heart towards his father, so if his father wants to talk with him, it will be more effective. Let the parents treat the child in such a way that the child has a great respect for the father. In this way the words of the father would have a great effect on the child. The mother would threaten the child sometimes with the authority of the father.
Let the child be prevented from sleeping during the daytime out of laziness such as the kind of sleeping which usually comes after overeating. However, sleeping in the daytime with the intention of being able to get up and pray at night is something which is praiseworthy. So don’t let the child get used to sleeping in the daytime, which leads to laziness. Prevent the child from sleeping all the time on soft beds, so that this body would be tough. He should be taught to get accustomed to rough clothing, food, and beds. Sayyiduna ^Umar said what means, Get tough. Get used to a rough life and follow the example Ma^add in that respect. (Ma ^add was one of the grandfathers of the Prophet who used to live a rough life). It is related that the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam was asked which person is among the best of the people, and he said what means: “he whose food and laughing is little.
The child should have some physical activity during the daytime, so that laziness would not be one of his characteristics. He should be taught not to walk fast so he doesn’t trip and hurt himself. He should be taught not to boast or brag among his friends about something which his father owns. Teach him that the high rank lies in giving to others not in taking from others. It is mentioned in the hadith what literally means, The upper hand is better than the lower hand (al-Bukhariyy). This means that the person who pays charity and gives to other people is better than the person who goes and asks others. Give me-give me. If this person who is asking for things was not a poor person, then he is sinful for asking people for the things. If a person has enough to support himself, begging, and asking people to give him something would be a sinful act.
Layth Ibn Sa^d one of the tabi^in (the generation who followed the companions of the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam) was very, very generous. It is related that Imam Malik gave him a platter of dates as a gift. He returned the platter to Imam Malik full of gold. It is mentioned that when he used to go for al-hajj, he used to go in three ships. He used to live in Egypt, so he would cross the red sea to go to Arabia to perform the Hajj. One of these ships would be for himself and his family, and one ship would be for his kitchen and those who worked on the ship, and one ship would be for all of his guests that he was taking to al-hajj. How would this man be so generous so that it would be easy for him to spend all this money on these people? It was because he grew up knowing that to be high in status is by giving and not taking.
Once, Imam ash-Shafi^iyy so that he wouldn’t have to get down from his animal. Imam ash-Shafi^iyy said to his servant: whatever money you have, give it all to his man. These people got used to this kind of giving because they grew up doing it. They knew the weight such an act has on the Day of Judgment. This is way it should be taught to the child.
Teach the child not to let his heart get attached to loving this world. His heart should not be attached to gold and silver. Our Shaykh, Shaykh ^Abdullah used to have a Shaykh whose name was Shaykh Muhammad ibn^Abdus-Salam. This Shaykh would not feel comfortable when he had money around him until he had spent it all. Only then would he feel relaxed and at ease.
Teach the child the proper way to sit. He should not extend his legs crossing one over the other in the presence of other people. Teach him not to sit among people turning his back to them. Teach him not to yawn in the presence of others because preventing yourself from yawning is a good thing to do. If you can’t prevent yourself, you should cover the mouth with the hand.
Prevented from talking a lot, meaning talking with words that have no good in them. It should be pointed out to him that talking too much is a sign of impoliteness. The Shaykh said that talking a lot is a sign of imperfection. Don’t let the child get in the habit of swearing for everything such to say ‚I swear by Allah or wallahi. This is so he would not get in the habit of this and then he might swear about something that is not true.
Teach the child not to be the one who initiates talking, when the talking is not useful. He should be taught not to talk except when he is asked a question, and to answer only as much as the question requires. Teach him to listen carefully to the people who are talking to him, especially to those who are older than him. Teach him to stand up for those people who are pious Muslims, out of respect for them. Teach him also to make a space for such pious Muslim to sit. Prevent him from saying words that have no use, and from cursing and saying words which are ugly. Don’t let him mix with people who are used to cursing and saying useless and ugly words. This is because these types of words have an affect on the child, and eventually he will start saying them.
The essence of teaching the child good manners is to protect him from bad company. The Prophet sallallahu √ôalayhi wa sallam said that the person is affected by those whom he accompanies, so let everyone watch but whom he accompanying (Abu Dawud). The young boy should be taught that if he is hit not to cry and scream because this is the habit of the females. After having assigned a certain time for him to study, then he should be permitted to play in any good way that does not make him tired.
He should be taught to obey his parents, and his teachers, and those who teach him good manners.
Teach him that death interrupts the enjoyment of this life. Remind him that this world is a place we are passing through and it is not a place we will remain. The Hereafter is the place where we will remain. Death is expected at any time, so teach the child that the wise person is the one who takes provisions in this world and prepares for the Hereafter.
If the upbringing of this child was correct in accordance with what was mentioned, then when this child becomes pubescent, the effect of this upbringing would appear and he would be successful. These words would be fixed in his heart just like engraving would be fixed on a stone.
However, if the upbringing of this child was disagreement with what was mentioned; if arrogant, bragging, having the desire for food and getting dressed up, then his heart would be repelled from accepting the truth. Just like dry sand thrown towards a wall won’t stick to that wall.
So the basic matters are the ones that should be taken care of. The child is a creation of Allah, and he has inclinations towards good or evil. Most often his parents are the ones who make him more inclined towards one side or the other, either towards good or towards evil.
Listen to the situation of a great waliyy. Sahl ibn ^Abdullah at-Tustariyy said that when he used to be three years old, he used to get up at night and watch his uncle (from the mother’s side) praying at night. One day his uncle told him, Wouldn’t you remember Allah, the one who created you? So he said, How would I remember Allah? His uncle said, In your bed when you want to sleep, say in your heart, three times without moving your tongue, Allah ma^ii, Allah sees me, Allah knows about me. (If the child had been taught to clear Allah from resemblance to the creation, then he would be told to say Allah ma^ii, if he hasn’t been taught about at tanzih, we would tell him to say Allah knows about me). So Sahl said that he said that thing in his heart for many nights, and then he told his uncle about it. Then his uncle told him, now say it every night seven times. So he said that he did that, and he told his uncle. His uncle told him to say that every night eleven times. So Sahl said that he did that and after that the sweetness of these words came into his heart. Then, after a year his uncle told him, memorize what I told you, and keep on doing it until you enter the grave. It will be beneficial to you in this life and in the Hereafter. Sahl said that he kept on doing this for years, and that it gave him great enjoyment. Then, one day his uncle said to him, O Sahl, if someone knows that Allah knows about him and that Allah sees him, he would he disobey Him? Beware of sins. Then Sahl said that they sent him to al-kuttab which is the place where al Qur’an is taught to the children. He said that he learned al-Qur’an and memorized it when he was six or seven years old. He said that he used to fast a lot. His basic food was barley bread (which is not delicious like wheat bread) without salt without the food that is usually eaten with the bread. He said that he went out for years, going from one place to another on the earth, seeking good things. Then he came back to Tustar, his town. He said that he used to stay up all night praying as often as Allah enabled him to do. Ahmad ibn Hanbal said that he never saw Sahl eating salt until he died. Look at the case and condition of this man who reached a high rank among those whom Allah loves. This is the case of the person who grew up properly and whose religious upbringing was Islamically correct.
Exert effort in raising your children in a manner that is pleasing to Allah. We should remember the saying of the Prophet sallallahu ^alayhi wa sallam which means, when a person dies, wherever he does that would earn him more reward would be stopped, except for three thing: a charity which is jariyah (a charity which people continue to benefit from his death), knowledge that people would benefit from, or a child who is righteous that would make du^a for his parents (Muslim). This means that after his death, the parent would benefit from the du^a of his righteous child. Most of the time, this matter would not be without work and effort from the parents.
One should not make excuses about being too busy to raise his children correctly. Because raising the children is something which deserves that the parents allocate the required time and effort for it.
And Allah knows best.